Freshman Jackie Shepard (center) struggles to decide whether to go to the restroom or to sprint downstairs to jump on an elevated surface.
Usually the most traumatic thing that might happen to you while waiting in line for the bathroom at a fraternity party is the cops show up, put you in handcuffs, and you lose your scholarship. Last night at a Pike party, something even worse happened to one unfortunate freshman.
After waiting 20 minutes in the bathroom line, Jackie Shepherd reached the front at the exact moment her favorite song, “The Middle,” began playing in the basement.
Jackie was faced with an impossible decision. Would she stick to her original plan and go to the restroom, or would she go downstairs and scream-sing at others to “just meet [her] in the middle?”
“It’s alright,” reasoned one of Jackie’s friends waiting in line with her. “They’ll probably even play it again tonight.” It was actually all of their favorite songs, but Jackie can be really dramatic sometimes so that’s why she’s the star of this story.
After several seconds of furrowing her brow and doing some math with her fingers for some reason, Jackie stepped forward with an impressive monologue:
“Everyone, I have made my decision,” Jackie said resolutely as a single tear quietly rolled down her cheek. “I’ve been focusing only on schoolwork lately and not allowing myself to have any fun.”
Her friends shared a confused look. Jackie was failing every course and had always made a point to be the only freshman at LR every week.
“I’m tired of letting my bladder control my life! Have I waited in this line for a very long time? Yes. Do I have a history of urinating myself if I don’t get to a bathroom fast enough? Absolutely. But I’ve got to be able to put my head down on my pillow or my floor or wherever my head ends up tonight and rest easy knowing that I did not what was right, honorable, or even reasonable, but what was fun.”
At this point, Jackie’s friends weren’t even paying attention. Jake was walking by and he looked amaaazing in his backwards hat.
“I have to follow my heart. Tonight is for me. Girls, let’s hit the dance floor!” And with this, Jackie and her friends stepped out of line to head to the basement. Unfortunately, “The Middle” had just finished, only to be replaced with a sophomore’s horrible EDM playlist.
The following morning, Jackie announced to her friends that she would never return to Pike unless Jake was there. Then she might reconsider.
Fake Worest 