Angelou Hall — With sorority rush right around the corner, many liberal freshmen girls are gearing up to willfully ignore 18 years’ worth of political ideas. Among these hopefuls is self-proclaimed social activist Ashley Greene.
“I’m thinking of rushing Kappa Beta Gamma or Chi Omega because they have a reputation for being hot,” said Ashley, thoughtfully.
The founder of her high school’s chapter of NOW, co-chair of her high school’s Democratic Students Union, and Prepare Advocate against sexual assault, Ashley is hopeful that her most meaningful contribution to the Wake Forest community is yet to come.
“Once I’ve found my sisters, I really feel like I’ll be able to change Wake’s culture from the inside out,” Ashley explained while laying her rush outfits out on her Lily Pulitzer bedding. “No more relying on older guys who I know through the friend of a friend to buy me alcohol. That’s patriarchal bullshit. Once I’m in my sorority, I’ll have access to frat parties where I can get booze from older guys who I know through sisterhood.”
Along with Eleanor Roosevelt, Malala, and Michelle Obama, Ashley cited her mother, the main breadwinner in her household, as a source of inspiration.
“I think she’ll be really proud of me,” Ashley said. “I mean, my whole life she’s taught me about personal autonomy, voicing my opinions, and non-conformity. I think these are all values I can carry with me as I pay my way into a group of friends who look just like me.”
As of reporting, Ashley’s mother was last seen nursing a half empty bottle of peppermint schnapps and frantically repeating, “Where did I go wrong?”
Fake Worest 