LAST RESORT– In Truly pour taste, LR will start selling Coronas for $2 as long as there are fewer than 3 reported cases of Coronavirus in North Carolina.
The optics, which can only be described as a “clusterfuck of what-the-fuck,” is being condemned by organizations left and right. Dr. Mars from Student Health had this to say: “They’ve got to be f#%$ing kidding me.” Said that one kid in your friend group who thinks they’re funny, “It’s in pour taste.”
The move was directed from LR HQ, located in the Putter’s dumpster, as part of a larger effort to diversify product mix away from 50 cent Claws. LR is also adding Bud Light Seltzer’s, two more deflated volleyballs, buckets of blue liquid, leftover Halloween candy in the girls bathrooms, DZ cage dancers, and extended hours to midday Friday for picking up lost keys and cards.
After Jan. 27, the day WFU “experts” determined as the last possible date symptoms could show in students, LR decided the “time was right” for starting their new ad campaign, which was announced on their instagram page that always looks like a mom searched, “meme” in Google images and posted the top result.
Once there are more than three reported cases, they will start selling for $3. The price will rise in tandem with the number of reported cases. Discounts will be given to students wearing monogrammed masks, after Karen’s lengthy negotiation with the manager.
After hearing the news, entrepreneurship minors flocked to the manager’s office to pitch their own ideas they thought too insensitive prior. Said one junior with the minor, “I’ve always wanted to sell $1 condoms with the hot dogs but not until now did I think they’d bite.”
Condoms will not be sold. Instead, to really slam their optics into the trash, LR will start selling shots out of condoms. When asked for comment LR had this to say, “We’re on our way to bad decisions! Join us! :p” LR also DMed this comment to one of our writers before she even asked for an interview or accepted their follow.
The Worest sat down with Kyle, Dean Shore by day and LR manager by night, in the “VIP Section” last Thursday. During which he commented, “We’ve been spreading diseases to students for years, it’s damn well time we started making money off it.”
When asked for comment, Corona’s parent company had as much to say as the Chinese government on the larger issue: silence in Mandarin.
Disclaimer: we wrote this on 01/27/20 and LR actually went for it on Instagram on 01/29/20. We’re still salty.
Fake Worest 